Disagreements are sure to happen in a marriage, but they do not have
to lead to hurtful arguments. Here are some suggestions to help resolve
conflicts with your spouse.
1. Sincerely commit your lives to Jesus Christ as Lord.
2. Consider the marriage a life-long commitment, just as Christ is eternally committed to His bride, the Church.
3. Agree to always listen to each other's feelings, even if you disagree with the appropriateness of those feelings.
4. Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.
5.
Determine to attempt to love each other unconditionally, with each
partner assuming 100 percent of the responsibility for resolving marital
conflicts (the 50/50 concept seldom works).
6. Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing it up with your mate.
7. Confess any personal sin in the conflict to Christ before confronting your mate.
8.
Limit the conflict to the here and now – never bring up past failures,
since all past failures should have already been forgiven.
9. Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:
- “You never” or “You always”
- “I can't” (always substitute “I won't”)
- “I'll try” (usually means “I'll make a half-hearted effort but won't quite succeed”)
- “You should” or “You shouldn't” (these are parent-to-child statements).
10. Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the conflict.
11. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.
12.
Ask your mate if he would like some time to think about the conflict
before discussing it (but never put it off past bedtime – see Eph.
4:26).
13. Each mate should use “I feel …” messages, expressing
his response to whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For
example, “I feel angry toward you for coming home late for supper
without calling me first” is an adult-to-adult message, whereas “You
should always call me when you're going to be late for supper” is a
parent-to-child message. A parent-to-child message will cause the mate
to become defensive.
14. Never say anything derogatory about your
mate's personality. Proverbs 11:12 tells us that he who despises
(belittles) his neighbor lacks sense (NASB).
15. Even though your
mate won't always be correct, consider your mate an instrument of God,
working in your life. Proverbs 12:1 says, He who hates reproof is stupid
(NASB).
16. Never counterattack, even if your mate does not follow these guidelines.
17.
Don't tell your mate why you think he or she does what he does (unless
he asks you), but rather stick to how you feel about what he does.
18. Don't try to read your mate's mind. If you're not sure what he meant by something he said, ask him to clarify it.
19.
Commit yourselves to follow the instructions carefully in the “Dealing
with Anger Biblically” section of this chapter. This will help you avoid
depression, which results in increased irritability and increased
martial conflicts.
20. Be honest about your true emotions, but
keep them under control. Proverbs 29:11 says, A fool always loses his
temper, but a wise man holds it back (NASB). Proverbs 15:18 says, A
hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger pacifies
contention (NASB).
21. Remember that the resolution of the
conflict is what is important, not who wins or loses. If the conflict is
resolved, you both win. You're on the same team, not opposing,
competing teams.
22. Agree with each other on what topics are “out
of bounds” because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed
(for example, in-laws, continued obesity, and so on).
23. Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your mate.
24.
Commit yourselves to carefully learn and practice these 24 guidelines
for “fighting fair” in marriage and agree with each other to call “foul”
whenever one of you accidentally or purposefully breaks one of these
guidelines.
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